What if CRAFT was out-lawed?
A horror story…
An unthinkable world…
The events would unfold like this…
Late 2015: Parliament debates the dangers of travelling on public transport with crochet hooks and knitting needles…receives tiny amount of media coverage
January 2016: Evil Miss Annie Haekelgarn is elected as Mayor of London. Under her watch, wool shops slowly start to disappear from London’s streets, meaning it is harder for those who have woolly hobbies to buy the materials.
April 2016: The Minister for Education bans Textiles as a subject in British schools…there is an outcry as pupils are forced to do extra Maths and Science instead.
August 2016: There are now no wool shops left in London. Online sales surge.
January 2017: Government orders all dressmaking / design / textile degrees to be dropped by universities. Evil Miss Annie Haekelgarn helps her brother-in-law Mr John Strickmasche into office. He is now the Mayor of Durham. Wool shops start to disappear in Durham and the North of England.
March 2017: Crochet hooks and knitting needles are banned on public transport. Government says the risk is too great.
April 2017: Government bans knitting and crochet in public places.
September 2017: Mrs Elizabeth Yarnwise is caught knitting on a park bench. She refuses to pay £500 fine and is arrested and sentenced to 1 month in prison.
October 2017: Protest rally in London in solidarity with Mrs Elizabeth Yarnwise. Protest ends in violent clashes with police and general public. Knitting needles are thrown against people like javelins. Close hand-to-hand combat ensues with crochet hooks. Wool used as whips and lassos. 340 injured. 57 arrested.
December 2017: All Xmas trees in London are yarn-bombed…perpetrators never found.
February 2018: Raid in Newcastle causes headlines. Group of 15 “Yarnies” caught in clandestine meeting. Several bags of wool were seized as well as needles and hooks. All 600 knitting magazines burned.
May 2018: Annie Haekelgarn petitions parliament to shut down wool shops online. Parliament agrees. No wool is imported into Great Britain.
July 2018: Government orders all sheep and alpaca farms to get rid of their animals and grow veg instead. Farmers protest. It doesn’t work.
October 2018: Black market springs up. Women who are desperate for new patterns and wool meet in dangerous and remote places to smuggle wool. Miss Ramona Nacktwolle caught by police smuggling wool in her cleavage. Several knitting patterns discovered in her giant handbag. She is made an example of and sentenced to 3 months in prison, where she is forced to watch Jeremy Kyle and Hollyoaks on TV.
January 2019: By this time all festivals regarding yarn have been shut down. All creative blogs blocked. Sewing and crafting books burned.
August 2019: 2000 women march into parliament. It’s August so it’s empty. They manage to occupy it for 1 week. All are arrested. Several MPs who were actually ‘working’ in August die in the ensuing chaos.
September 2019: A hero emerges. The Yarnivator. No-one knows who this mysterious woman is. She goes around the country leaving packages of yarn on people’s doorsteps. If caught, the recipients are arrested. The Yarnivator’s biggest coup? Evil Miss Annie Haekelgarn caught opening her package on her doorstep…the swat team swoop in and she spends 3 months in prison.
2019 – 2025: People have to knit and crochet in secret. A code is created. All yarnies lift up their trouser legs slightly when they pass on the street. If they are wearing homemade socks then they are a yarnie! Gradually it becomes more acceptable to knit and crochet. The Guardian dares to print a crochet pattern in protest. The Sun’s page 3 girls are now wearing knitted tank tops. The BBC pushes for The Great British Sewing Bee to be allowed back on TV. They win…but it takes until 2029 for them to be allowed to show the fabric and not have to blur it out.
2030: With the death of Evil Miss Annie Haekelgarn in a freak skiing accident in Switzerland involving a bear, a camembert and a size 4mm crochet hook, there is hope in the air. The first ever LONDON WALLY is held (London Wool Rally) where a record breaking 3 million people turn up. The law is overturned and people can once again knit and crochet in public.
2031: Mrs Elizabeth Yarnwise becomes the 2nd female Prime Minister. Her first official photograph shows her wearing a knitted sweater and a woolly hat. She vows “equality and wool for all!”
2034: The country once again embraces the textile arts and they are very much in vogue. It seems almost as though it was always cool to crochet as The Terrible Textile Times are forgotten. New patterns are published daily as are new crafty blogs. There are so many new magazines and books one hardly knows which to buy. Youtube is now bursting with young people jumping on the bandwagon. A new minister for craft is created. Suddenly football is deemed to be dangerous by the government…
It could happen!